Imagine being 8 years old and getting a call from your mom where, instead of asking how your day was at school, she tells you that she needs to hear your voice or she’s going to kill herself. Now, you’re 19 and your mother calls you saying that she was in the hospital the week before because her ex found her on the bathroom floor, unconscious from attempted overdose. Mother, Katie Rose Guest Pryal said that suicide did not almost kill her, that taboo of suicide did. People don’t talk about adult suicide. Depression and suicide don’t just stop being issues when you hit your mid-twenties. In reality it gets worse as people get older. Everyone talks about teen suicide and teen depression. But not today.
Estimates suggest that 800,000 Americans attempt suicide each year while roughly 90% of Americans become parents and parental suicide increases the odds of children committing suicide which only makes suicide rates as a whole, increase.
My mother has attempted suicide at least twice that I know of since I was born. In Ms. Pryal’s article many parents commented “I thought my children and spouse would be better without me.” That is particularly heartbreaking for me, since my mother has told me that on numerous occasions. My relationship with my mother has always been extremely complicated, but no matter what my mother has or has not done in my life, she is still my mother and my life would not be better without her.
As of 2014, suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in the US with rates at their highest among people between 45-64 years old. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, but often use less lethal options such as cutting their wrists or overdosing, whereas men are more likely to use guns, or hang themselves. Which is why women’s “success” rates are lower.
Today I will first discuss some examples I found from a mother that attempted suicide and from children that lost their parents via suicide, then I will go on to talk about the effects that suicide has on children and how we can help them, and, finally, I will talk about how we can prevent adults from committing suicide while putting focus on the health care system.
In late 2014, Ms. Pryal kissed her children and husband goodbye before she walked into traffic with the intent of being hit. She decided not to tell her family how she was feeling or what she did because she was scared. Scared that she would be committed and would lose legal parental rights. Scared that her husband would leave her. Scared that her doctor would put her on medications she did not want to take. This is where people need to be open to discussing depression and suicide beyond teens and young adults.
Allison Ellis was 19 years old and away at college when she was told that her 54 year old father had “a horrible accident”. The topic is so taboo that no one would outright tell her that her father committed suicide, only that he had “a horrible accident.” Ms. Ellis’s father was well-known, liked, educated, connected, and successful. She was often tormented by dreams she would have of her father happily sipping on his favorite cocktail at the beach and when she would angrily ask him why he did it, he would simply smile. It wasn’t until later in her life that she started to figure her father was telling her that it’s her job to find solutions, to enjoy life and seek her own happiness.
Dylan Kane’s father commited suicide when he was 10 years old. He wrote a blog post that was more about talking to those that have been through what he, and many others, have been through: coping with a parent’s suicide. Those children will most likely feel like they’re alone, like no one understands or like no one really cares. But he stressed that people should be reassuring children that they are not alone and there are people who care. Mr. Kane said, “Take it one day, one question, one step, and even one second at a time… Just get through it, because that’s what you have to do.”
Children whose parents attempt or commit suicide are five times more likely to attempt suicide later in life. Children learn through watching their parents and those around them and imitating, or modeling. When a child sees or hears about their parent commiting suicide, that parent is unknowingly modeling to that child that suicide is an acceptable form of coping with the emotional pains and stresses of life.
When a death is shocking and disturbing it generates frightening thoughts, images, and feelings, that a child may want to avoid. Feelings such as horror, anger, guilt, confusion, and shame. They may not want to think or talk about their parents but healthy grieving requires children to do that while allowing themselves to feel sadness and pain. The worst that can happen with a child’s grieving process is not expressing those feelings.
Those around the child must pay very close attention to the signs of trauma. If sadness and withdrawal from activities does not decrease over time and they cause the child to refuse going to school, a change in sleep habits, loss of appetite, or irritability, there is cause for concern. Another sign that a child may be grieving abnormally would be avoiding places or situations that evoke memories of the parent. Children with avoidant personalities, who have experienced other traumas, who lack a strong support system, or have extreme anxiety will more easily fall into unhealthy coping.
After a familial suicide, children need to know that they’re not to blame. They might want to say things along the lines of “if i were better, this wouldn’t have happened.” This guilt may push them into the direction of following in their parent’s footsteps. It is imperative to tell the kids “we did our best to help, but it didn’t succeed.” They need to know that all of their feelings are acceptable even anger which is completely normal. Even relief is acceptable if the parent has been suffering for a long time. Keep their lives as normal and regulated as possible. Another thing that can help the grieving process is connecting with others who have gone through the same as you.
We do not want to assume that suicide is a fate that is doomed to happen, no matter what. 90% of those who commit suicide have at least one or more diagnosable mental illness and at least 50% of that were not getting treatment before their deaths. Those who do get treatment are often undertreated, “lost” in the system, or they don’t follow treatment recommendations.
Many don’t even have access to health care because they can’t afford it due to poor insurance or lack thereof. Insurances should be required to treat mental illness the same as any other illness. They should reimburse providers adequately and maintain reasonable copayments and eligibility for mental health services and payments.
Laws and policies mandating mental health parity are necessary. Uninsured persons must be provided with appropriate mental health care services. Screening for depression, suicide and substance abuse is not routine in primary care clinicians, but it should be. Or at least hire a separate position of screeners specifically for mental health.
When you kill yourself, you don’t just hurt yourself you hurt the people around you as well. One mother felt remorse and guilt after just attempting suicide, at the fear of what she might have done to her children. Children feel many conflicting emotions and are more likely to follow in their parents footsteps. Health Care needs to give more priority to mental illness, including doing more specific training on screening for depression and signs of suicide.
From a daughter who wishes she had never gotten those calls, but feels eternally grateful that it wasn’t worse, I assure you that this is not a matter to be swept under the rug. This issue is extremely prevalent and severe as it is unbelievable how many children have to grow up without their parents because of this, and it should be taken with great consideration. If you know of anyone who suffers from depression, or of anyone who has lost someone they love from suicide, I urge you to talk to them about their feelings because it is okay to have emotions, and I urge you to encourage them to see an expert.
Works Cited:
Ellis, Allison. “Why My Dad Committed Suicide.” HuffPost, HuffPost, 21 Aug. 2014, www.huffpost.com/entry/why-my-dad-committed-suic_b_5698019.
Kane, Dylan. “From a Child Who Lost a Parent to Suicide.” AFSP, 20 Sept. 2017, afsp.org/child-lost-parent-suicide/.
Koplewicz, Harold S. “Coping With A Parent's Suicide.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 28 Aug. 2017, childmind.org/article/coping-with-a-parents-suicide/.
Pryal, Katie Rose Guest. “A Mother's Suicide Attempt and the Guilty Burden of Statistics.” The Toast, 9 Apr. 2015, the-toast.net/2015/04/09/a-mothers-suicide-attempt-guilty-burden-of-statistics/.
Staats Reiss, Natalie. “Suicide Statistics.” Mental Help Early Childhood Cognitive Development Language Development Comments, www.mentalhelp.net/articles/suicide-statistics/.
Staats Reiss, Natalie. “Suicide Prevention And Societal Measures.” Mental Help Early Childhood Cognitive Development Language Development Comments, wwww.mentalhelp.net/articles/suicide-prevention-and-societal-measures/.
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